Unhappy husbands who bring the other woman into their marriage believe the new relationship helps them see what a different, better, happier relationship could be like. But what it really gives them is an inaccurate comparison that is unfair to their wife and marriage. Regardless of the problems you have with your partner, the other woman is always going to be more appealing because the relationship is new, in the honeymoon stage, and without the history you have with your spouse.

Little by little

It was a horrible morning for me today. I went to bed at 12+ am, toss and turn till 1ish until my husband came in after playing his game. Still trying to fall asleep without him but i can’t because my mind was full of thoughts. Waited for him to finish his 30 mins bath and it seems like forever. After his shower, he came to bed and started playing with his phone. I pretended to sleep but i was wide away, my brain I’m referring too. My eyes were tired but there was no way i could fall asleep.

3am now. I could not longer keep my feelings inside me. My thoughts ran wild. My thoughts were getting ridiculous. I kept asking myself questions and answered them with what i thought he would answer me. I know and felt that i was losing it. I was losing myself. It was a struggle inside me. I thought very hard if i should speak to him or to keep it to myself. I was scared that he would shout at me.

Finally, i couldn’t handle my emotions anymore. I asked him why was he texting another girl. It was so fucking hard to get the question out. I had to mind what i say because teeny tiny could hear me..

If you are talking to someone else more than your spouse, something is very wrong with the relationship. It wasn’t the first time i caught him texting another girl (or girls). He said it was me. I didn’t support him. Previously when i found out he was texting other girls, he said i was controlling him, that’s why he had to text other girls to feel “free”.

I saw some girls texting him. My first reaction is 😢😢😭 i was seriously heart broken. So fucking upset. I wanted to question him. I want to see his messages so fucking bad. I would probably call it quits in the heat of the moment when i saw their convo. Evening recalling the scene now is very heart breaking. I hate myself.

He assured me that he will never cheat on me. I was scared that my relationship with him would be like my mom. He hugged me and said that will never happen. How can i trust him? It’s happening over and over again.
i know he is still talking to other girls. I know.. ….

Upon very deep thoughts, i realised what the problem was. I did not love myself. I keep allowing him to hurt me. It time, he can say that it was because i was controlling him. When it happen again, he can say that i wasn’t supporting him. The next time when it happen, he can say that i dont respect him etc etc. There can be so many excuses. So many so many….

Den i though to myself, why must it be a situation where i have to do this, then he won’t text girls? Why can’t he just not text girls and just tell me what is not happy about? Why must he ‘punish’ me before talking it out? Why didn’t i realise what the problem was because things escalates to a level where i feel so bad about myself? So many whys and i don’t have any answer. Now, at 4am, i put the blame on myself. It’s insane. I was going nuts, seriously. I don’t know who am i anymore. How am i suppose to be his wife? What is my role? What am i suppose to do? How can i tell teeny tiny when i don’t even know what to do? Fear creeps over me. It was obviously is wrong doings for texting other girls. But the weight was on me now. So heavy. I kept crying. I feel like i was drowning. I was going crazy.

I also think that there was no way he would want me anymore. He has a crazy wife. We are not even 2 months into our marriage. It was terrible. I wasn’t in the right state of mind. I desperately needed help. I need someone to help me get myself back. It was mind fucking. All the self doubting and wild imaginations was killing me, literally.

He understands life more than me. He spoke profoundly and said that if i didn’t know what to do, i can ask him, and i can always ask him. He said i was a failure as a wife. I couldn’t rebut him because that is the truth. I don’t even know what the role as a wife is so how am i going to play it?

I would also like hubby to know that the definition of cheating isn’t when the act is caught on bed. If you are doing something behind your spouse and trying to hide it, that amounts to cheating too. I can’t find any explanation as to why he has to carry his phone f everywhere. He has to bring it to the toilet, into the kitchen, when he is walking around the house etc when i am right in front of him. The only reason is because that someone is more important than me. I didn’t feel like he respected me. Why must he reply that girl? Why why why? I couldn’t find an excuse for him.

I’m losing my status as his wife. I can feel it. It is so f scary. I love him too much and that was the problem. Maybe that was the reason i keep getting hurt 💔💔💔 i broke down like crazy ytd. The only redeeming point was that he didn’t shout at me. I would runaway if he did.

We both agreed that my thoughts were simple. Simple like what a 3yo kid would think what a marriage is supposed to be.

How much longer can he put up with my emotions? He much longer is he willing to teach me before saying “f it. We aren’t working out”. How am i suppose to change my innard self? Is it even possible to change myself? I have no clue. It said let fate decide. I think faith was say we shouldn’t be together. 😣

I’m dead